Courtesy of Farmboy11 on f---edcompany.com

Prostitute Or A Consultant?

From http://www.contractoruk.co.uk/humour8.html


1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. It's difficult to have a family.

9. You have no job satisfaction.

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

13. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)

14. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."

15. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

16. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

17. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.

18. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.

19. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.

20. When you leave to go see a client, you look great,but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

21. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

22. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks
away smiling.

23. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

24. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

25. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."

Clippy Says, "All your base are belong to us!"

To: all

I can't believe it! Those geeks at Microsoft have made me obsolete. That means you won't be seeing much of me, your favorite Office Assistant, in the new Office XP. Your friend JS thought you'd want to hear my side of the story. Check it out at www.officeclippy.com, where you can see videos starring me and hear my new blues song, "It Looks Like You're Writing a Letter."

By the way, do you know anyone looking to hire a hard-working paper clip?

--Clippy

From: Yahoo! Hong Kong - Technology News

click here for The Original Article

Sunday, April 15 6:05 PM SGT
You know I gotta put in the big bold "Weekly World News" headline -pm

Russia hails breakthrough in building artificial brain

MOSCOW, April 15 (AFP) -
Russian scientists claimed Sunday to have developed the first artificial brain, a "neuro-computer" with the same intellectual potential as its human counterpart, Interfax reported.

The new Russian computer is based on the brain cell, or neuron, and outstrips previous brain models by using state-of-the-art findings in neurophysiology and neuromorphology to produce a truly thinking machine, scientist Vitaly Valtsev said.

But he warned of the potential hazards of the scientific breakthrough, saying the brand new brain could turn into a Frankenstein's monster if it was mistreated.

"This machine needs to be trained like a newborn child. It's extremely important for us to make it a friend, not a criminal or an enemy," Valtsev said.

Valtsev, a member of the International Academy of Information Science, told Interfax that Russian scientists succeeded where others had failed because they used a model of the neuron of the brain in building the computer.

Earlier attempts to create an artificial intelligence had failed because scientists had tried to create a smart machine using a model of the neuron of the spinal cord developed back in the 1940s.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

www.i-resign.com


Dear R,

I Resign! I’ve written my last ever exclusive for this worthless rag, and you’ve stolen your last story from me.

My first story – "Stallone Paparazzi KO" – was a bit of a shock. Not only did he hit me pretty hard (it took months before I got the cast off my chin) but I was surprised to find that you had taken the credit for the whole story … including the injuries. I was more surprised that the judge awarded you the million-dollar payout in the civil suit that followed. Your fake bruises were very convincing but by no stretch of the imagination are you a woman!

You were a lucky sonofabitch when you stole the "Hilary Clinton Drug Romp" scoop from me. How could nobody have noticed that you were at the Tabloid Editors Annual Dinner Gala giving the "Best Obituary" award that night?

There have been countless others, but now I’ve had enough. Obviously you hadn’t read past paragraph three of "Prince William Love-Child Shock" when you decided it was a story worth putting your name against. I went through six minor Lords, a dozen bodyguards, nine months of pregnancy and a 32-hour labour for that story … and Wills had nothing to do with it! Well, you can keep it. You can keep the baby too - I’ve Fedexed him to your house. Enclosed is the birth certificate. To save time for you I’ve left the mother’s name blank!

Yours,

J K.

Courtesy of PVAC

According to a book I'm reading, one day some years ago a scientist
studying hyenas in Africa made an important discovery. He leapt into
his land rover and raced through the herds of migrating wildebeests to
tell the scientist studying baboons what he had found. "Hey. Did you
know that 'gnu dung' is a palindrome?"

From the "Shark Tank", Computerworld

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11, 2001

BY SHARKY
Talk to the Hand

Called into the boss's office "for yet another brainstorming session." IT pilot fish is then kept cooling his heels while the boss continues working.

"I'm sitting there for at least five or 10 minutes while he finishes dictating a memo into a recorder or something," fish grouses.

"Finally, he finishes and gives me his attention. That's when I notice that the recorder is no recorder at all -- it's a PalmPilot.

"High-tech guru as I am, I become curious, so I ask my boss about his new toy."

"After listening to him bolster his ego for a few minutes (something about him being on the bleeding edge of technology and such)," says fish, "I ask him point blank, 'So, you can dictate into the Palm now, huh?' "

Boss pauses while the seeds of doubt grow, and a puzzled look creeps over his face. "Well, I sure hope so ...," he says, trailing off.

"Made my day," says fish.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

This is an old story,
One day, this frantic call comes in. I need help. But whoever comes can't tell anyone what they see. It's classified! What's the problem? Can't tell you. Where are you? Whispered discussion follows in background. I'm in XYZ, the second floor. Ok. So I head over there, wondering about the dire consequences of having to examine the system to see what was wrong without looking at the system, and ready to get yelled at for having to look at the system.

I arrive and find four senior members of the company staff huddled around this system. Panic is on their faces. They ask, "Can you fix it?". "What happened?" is my reply. Another whispered conference. "There is something wrong with the software, the system won't start". I flip the power switch on. The OS messages start appearing, then the screen goes blank. Ok. "Has anyone installed anything recently on the system". Another hushed conference. "Well, yes". Ok, I could see this was going places fast. So I booted the system again, this time as a minimal setup. Looked at the configuation. Not the latest, but not ancient. Looked at the startup script. What the he??! I remove the offending line and reboot the system. It boots up. Cheers erupt from the conspirators.

The problem? They had wanted to suprise their boss on April 1. So they wanted to put in a "special graphic". Since one of them was "always working on computers" they let that person enter the name of the graphic into the startup script. That's right. Not a program, just the name of the graphic. Then rebooted the system to see their handiwork. Oops, no screen. They thought VIRUS. I thought STUPID.

I asked if they wanted to insert a program to display the graphic. They said no.
I sent a bill for double my regular fee for that one.

Click here for the original article

March 18 2001 BUSINESS NEWS

Coke chief's latest Daft idea - a cola tap in every house

by Rupert Steiner

IT may be just a pipe dream, but Douglas Daft, the chief executive of Coca-Cola, is planning to compete with water by channelling Coke through taps in customers' homes.

He has sunk venture-capital funding into an innovations unit based in New York that has created a system to mix carbonated water with Coke's secret syrup and pipe it around houses. It would be mixed inside homes rather than pumped in from an external source.

Daft does not see Pepsi as his main competitor and will be happy only when people are turning on taps in their homes to drink Coke rather than water.

In an exclusive Sunday Times interview he reveals his idea but says it is not yet ready to be launched. "Yes, we have developed a prototype," he said.

"You would have water mixing automatically with the concentrate and then connect it all up so that when you turn on your tap you have Coke at home. There's a lot more to it than that to ensure quality and it has to be a sealed unit so people can't alter the formula to destroy the value of the brand," he said.

Businesses already have closed systems. Pubs and branches of McDonald's, the burger chain, have stored the raw materials in basements and produced Coke on the spot for years.

But Daft is keen to take the product a step further when the time is right. "There's not a market yet," he said. "People still like to physically go and buy things, but one day, yes, this will be a reality."

He has also sunk £500,000 into an innovations unit that is trying to develop something called "Coke space" - an area where teenagers can hang out.

"It is being funded and developed in Europe," he said. "The unit is trying to define what a 'Coke space' means to a teenager, so we can provide something that a teenager would want to come to."

The project began with the idea that teenagers like to hang out by standing beside telephone boxes because there is nowhere else for them to go where they feel comfortable.

Daft says: "Teenagers do like to sit down and chat about intelligent things and they need to have somewhere to do that, so it came from that idea.

"We believe it will make a material difference to our revenues at least indirectly because it will make us a better brand. There is a chance that it may even add a revenue stream."

I can't believe this:
http://www.iconocast.com/crusade/index.html
What a bunch of bozos!!!

And then check out:
http://www.ringosoft.com/news/

Gee, look what I missed out on...
THIRD ROUND OF CUTS AT CREATIVE PLANET SLICES 70, LEAVING 150
Tuesday, March 27 07:55 p.m.

For the third time in seven months, entertainment industry production software provider Creative Planet has laid off a sizeable chunk of staff in an effort to streamline spending and reach profitability. A total of 70 employees were let go today, leaving just more than 150 on board. Company CEO Allen DeBevoise said in a statement that the "need to preserve a strong capital position is paramount" in light of financial hard times and an impending strike in Hollywood. The statement indicates that terminated employees get pay through the week and four weeks of severance and health benefits. In August, just after closing a $38 million round from Times Mirror Chandler Trusts, Creative Planet laid off 30, and in December, after closing a $30 million round from United News & Media, 72 people were cut. DeBevoise said at the time of the December cut that it was the last for the foreseeable future.

Thanks to Richard J.:

A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2"
this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style."
The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San
Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del
Rio,on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there,
they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas. Each
will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm a
cross-dresser, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

Via Don Barrett's LARADIO.COM from Monday's issue:

Tom Leykis Shocks His Fans and Friends
With Announcement of Split with His Wife

(March 26, 2001) Tom Leykis, with no fanfare or tease, told his loyal KLSX and syndicated afternoon drive audience on Friday that he and his wife Susan have separated. The surprise announcement even caught his colleagues off guard. "I didn't know about it until Tom told me at lunch on Friday," said KLSX pd Jack Silver. Not that one thing has anything to do with the other, KLSX morning driver Howard Stern separated from his wife recently.

This is the full text of Tom's statement Friday afternoon:

"Now before we do anything else, I want to say something here and you will note that I did not promote this in advance. I have not teased it, and I have tried not to exploit this in any way because some things are, I think above that.

You may wonder, do I have a line? Where do I draw it? Well, now you are seeing where at least the line might be drawn. What I am about to say, not only did I not promote it to you, it is something personal and a number of my friends don't know anything about it and they are about to find it out the first time as well, about me.

You will find out as I tell it to you over the next few minutes why my friends don't know about it. Why nobody knows about it. And, why I haven't made a big deal about it. And as a matter of fact, the reason I am doing this on a Friday is because I had no intention of turning it into a topic. I have no intention of going on the air and many times things have happened to me and I have made lemons into lemonade.

I have come on the air and used things that have happened. Arguments I have had with people. Arguments I have had with ex-wives or girl friends or whatever. I have used that stuff as show material and I must tell you that this time around I am not doing that.

Because it is personal and it is serious and I am going to say this one time and I am not going to repeat it....again....at all. So, if you are listening now, you are hearing this and if you are not listening now fine, so be it.

So, it is something personal that I have been... I'll be honest with you...I've been dreading talking about it, but I am going to talk about it now.

And here it is.... My wife Susan and I have separated. We have actually been separated for several months now. It happened back before the holidays. And I have not talked about it on the air, number one because Susan is a private person and I did not want to go on the air to use this as an opportunity to hype or to play with it.

She is a private person and this was very hard on both of us and especially on her because I am a public person. I have been divorced 3 times. I know how hard that is and it must be hard, probably much harder for her in that she has never been through this before and she is married to a public figure.

I know you'll have a lot of questions about this. So I am going to try to head some of them off at the pass by saying the following: Yes, I know I am the professor. Yes, I know I teach Leykis 101, I have always been very careful to tell you I don't teach a course on how to stay married.

I teach a course on how to get laid, so those of you who are going to call and go “who do you think you are”, well guess what dear, this has nothing to do with it. That is number one. OK?

Number two, I mean, have we worked on this? For the longest time, oh yes, Yes, but I want you to know, as much as we talk to guys and tell them to dump that bitch and all that stuff, I want to make something really clear here, OK?

My wife Susan is no bitch. She is the smartest person I have even known. She is the wittiest person I know. She and I have a lot in common and we have known each other for 10 years. We have a lot of history, and this has nothing to do with the show.

It has nothing to do with rack signing. It has nothing to do with her being quote unquote a bitch. It ain’t true, she is anything but. And I want you to know that. I am going a step further here. The reasons for it I am not going onto on the air. Why? Because I am a public person. Susan is a private person. And I am under no legal obligation to not talk about this. No one has told me.

Susan and I are completely friendly and amicable. Susan and I have seen each other many times. I have been to her place. She has her own place. She has moved into a place in Los Angeles. There is no anger, no animosity, no bitterness. And the result of that is there will be no nasty comments by me or by you about her on the air.

Because I have nothing bad to say about her at all. We have a prenuptial agreement. But as I have always said, I have been good to my word. I have been helping Susan in every possible way....financially, emotionally and I will continue to do that....and we continue to be very close friends.

And we continue to spend time talking and we see each other and we have worked on this a lot. So I just want you to know that. I have generally been honest about my life. And, I generally talk about stuff as it happens. But in this particular case, being that we broke up around the holidays...it is very emotional and I am trying to be sensitive to the fact that Susan is a private person.

And, where it is very easy for me to come on the air and talk about myself, it isn't necessarily easy for her to hear about herself on the radio. She knows I am talking about it today. She told me this week she is ready for this. I am doing it with her approval and I am only doing it now because she is ready to hear it.

She is ready for me to do it now. We have talked about this for a long time. What will it be like? What will people say? What will people think? And the last thing I want anybody to think is that there is anything negative about Susan because there is nothing. This is no dirt here. There is nothing nasty to say.

This is the only time I am going to make a statement about it. It won't be repeated, unless KLSX runs this tape, and I don't know about it, which happens from time to time. I am not going to say it again, but I wanted you to know about it and I wanted you to be prepared, because I know we will get calls.

I've told all the guys here we will get calls about this. One thing that will be off limits is attacking Susan. You want to attack me, fine, that is OK. but Susan, I am not going to attack...at all, period, because she is a good person.

And she has been a big part of my life. And frankly, she has helped me an awful lot over the years with giving me feedback about my work. And she has tolerated my work. She has tolerated the rack signing and she has been just as good as gold with all that. So, understand where I am coming from.

There is nothing nasty to be said and its already been almost four months since we split. But I was not going to do this until she was ready. She is ready now, and I think that is good and to all my friends who did not know that this happened, I apologize to all of you. But understand that this is very trying. because we are in public and people see us.

And I did not want people gossiping about it. I wanted to talk about it when we were ready, both Susan and myself. So I have very close friends who did not know this and that is the reason I didn't talk about it.

Because I wanted Susan to get to her new place...to get set up...to get over some of the emotion and some of the difficulty of a split. And I did not want her to have to deal with my talking about it on the air while it was all going on.

So we are not divorced. We are separated. That is the deal. And now there it is, I've said it. OK? So, I've gotten it out. It is four month old news. But a lot of people didn't know it and now you know it all right. Now, we have a show. We are going to do it. And that is that and that is all I have to say about that. It is wide open telephones. And here we go babe." Bumper Music into break #1 Time: 9:20
(Bart Reed has contributed to this article. He is a Sylmar based media and marketing specialist. He is currently executive director of The Transit Coalition.)

Hmmm.

Not funny, but very interesting, courtesy of F---edCompany.

This is the actual Toronto newspaper ad for the guy who smuggled Marijuana for a living.

I'd heard about this somewhere, and then Richard J. sent it to me...

Check it out HERE

Thanks, Mal, for this one...

Don F in NYC sent this one...

Thanks to Richard J. for this one...

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the
other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of
the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less
letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the
silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!

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