Friday, September 19, 2003
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Judaism 101 (for Boomers):
As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on
which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.
Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g.
Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on
yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or
blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Centre for Eating Disorders
before High Holidays arrive again
There are many forms of Judaism:
Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to
breakfast.
Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
You know you grew up Jewish when:
You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face
that were always asymmetrical.
You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef
"brisket".
Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.
Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your
grandparents.
You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot
wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a
deli tray.
You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and
bowties.
You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 6 standard
suffixes (-man, -witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt and -baum).
You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like 50-
year-old cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.
You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.
You have at least six male relatives named David.
Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs and was as
comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.
You thought that speaking loud was normal.
As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on
which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.
Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g.
Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on
yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or
blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Centre for Eating Disorders
before High Holidays arrive again
There are many forms of Judaism:
Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday school and go out to
breakfast.
Two-Times a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
You know you grew up Jewish when:
You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face
that were always asymmetrical.
You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef
"brisket".
Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.
Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your
grandparents.
You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot
wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a
deli tray.
You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and
bowties.
You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 6 standard
suffixes (-man, -witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt and -baum).
You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like 50-
year-old cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.
You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.
You have at least six male relatives named David.
Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs and was as
comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.
You thought that speaking loud was normal.
Monday, September 15, 2003
Sunday, September 14, 2003
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