Courtesy of Farmboy11 on f---edcompany.com

Prostitute Or A Consultant?

From http://www.contractoruk.co.uk/humour8.html


1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. It's difficult to have a family.

9. You have no job satisfaction.

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

13. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)

14. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."

15. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

16. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

17. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.

18. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.

19. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.

20. When you leave to go see a client, you look great,but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

21. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

22. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks
away smiling.

23. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

24. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

25. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."

Clippy Says, "All your base are belong to us!"

To: all

I can't believe it! Those geeks at Microsoft have made me obsolete. That means you won't be seeing much of me, your favorite Office Assistant, in the new Office XP. Your friend JS thought you'd want to hear my side of the story. Check it out at www.officeclippy.com, where you can see videos starring me and hear my new blues song, "It Looks Like You're Writing a Letter."

By the way, do you know anyone looking to hire a hard-working paper clip?

--Clippy

From: Yahoo! Hong Kong - Technology News

click here for The Original Article

Sunday, April 15 6:05 PM SGT
You know I gotta put in the big bold "Weekly World News" headline -pm

Russia hails breakthrough in building artificial brain

MOSCOW, April 15 (AFP) -
Russian scientists claimed Sunday to have developed the first artificial brain, a "neuro-computer" with the same intellectual potential as its human counterpart, Interfax reported.

The new Russian computer is based on the brain cell, or neuron, and outstrips previous brain models by using state-of-the-art findings in neurophysiology and neuromorphology to produce a truly thinking machine, scientist Vitaly Valtsev said.

But he warned of the potential hazards of the scientific breakthrough, saying the brand new brain could turn into a Frankenstein's monster if it was mistreated.

"This machine needs to be trained like a newborn child. It's extremely important for us to make it a friend, not a criminal or an enemy," Valtsev said.

Valtsev, a member of the International Academy of Information Science, told Interfax that Russian scientists succeeded where others had failed because they used a model of the neuron of the brain in building the computer.

Earlier attempts to create an artificial intelligence had failed because scientists had tried to create a smart machine using a model of the neuron of the spinal cord developed back in the 1940s.


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www.i-resign.com


Dear R,

I Resign! I’ve written my last ever exclusive for this worthless rag, and you’ve stolen your last story from me.

My first story – "Stallone Paparazzi KO" – was a bit of a shock. Not only did he hit me pretty hard (it took months before I got the cast off my chin) but I was surprised to find that you had taken the credit for the whole story … including the injuries. I was more surprised that the judge awarded you the million-dollar payout in the civil suit that followed. Your fake bruises were very convincing but by no stretch of the imagination are you a woman!

You were a lucky sonofabitch when you stole the "Hilary Clinton Drug Romp" scoop from me. How could nobody have noticed that you were at the Tabloid Editors Annual Dinner Gala giving the "Best Obituary" award that night?

There have been countless others, but now I’ve had enough. Obviously you hadn’t read past paragraph three of "Prince William Love-Child Shock" when you decided it was a story worth putting your name against. I went through six minor Lords, a dozen bodyguards, nine months of pregnancy and a 32-hour labour for that story … and Wills had nothing to do with it! Well, you can keep it. You can keep the baby too - I’ve Fedexed him to your house. Enclosed is the birth certificate. To save time for you I’ve left the mother’s name blank!

Yours,

J K.

Courtesy of PVAC

According to a book I'm reading, one day some years ago a scientist
studying hyenas in Africa made an important discovery. He leapt into
his land rover and raced through the herds of migrating wildebeests to
tell the scientist studying baboons what he had found. "Hey. Did you
know that 'gnu dung' is a palindrome?"